“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.