You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
this has to be peak English
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?