Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
You Might Also Like
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Plant care tips
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh