That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️