inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later