[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler