me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
first you must answer his riddles
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.