Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
$4 #usedbooks
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
THIS HEADLINE
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.