Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.