Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.