An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Not all heroes wear capes….
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian