[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?