INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years