I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
You Might Also Like
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.