Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Mistakes were made
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.