I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
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My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Jogging has never helped my memory.