*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Namaste
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.