Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.