Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Money is the root of all wealth
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again