People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No