My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.