ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse