Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.