those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Still my favourite meme.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”