The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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be careful
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Received some very disappointing news today
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”