You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
💻🤡
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”