The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
another case of gang violins
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime