“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Time for evil
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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