Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick