Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
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me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
good for her
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
2022 be like
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”