Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
You Might Also Like
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
We avoided this particular disaster
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…