If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You Might Also Like
the three genders
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Living the best life.. 😊
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself