COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
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I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Wait a minute…
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
What flavor cupcake are these
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it