I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Ha
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter