[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Just me and my debit card against the world
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too