8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Are we there yet?…
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Do not steal food from the science building!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.