proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
You Might Also Like
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
FINE, I WON’T.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Beauty and the Beast
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me, reading some of your tweets
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.