Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.