I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
This raises questions
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.