[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Morning my dudes.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
how to market bottled water to dads
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow