Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
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Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
This is painfully accurate 😅
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay