Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.