My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either