We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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U talkin 2 me?
I hope Alan is OK
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.