He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
#titanic
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.