Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
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TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.