Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
this country is so goddamn polarized
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.