CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
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the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!