Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….