Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
craving $300 all of a sudden
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better